True Blood & The Samson Hair Effect: Paging Mr. Ball

Dear Alan Ball,

I have been trying to not let this situation with your Eric Northman get to me; but I'm mad as hell and can't take it anymore!! Something has to be done about this tragic situation immediately and only you have the power to ensure that things are fixed pronto!

When I first heard that 'they' were going to be adapting Charlaine Harris' Southern Vampire Mysteries into a TV show, I was leery. Until I heard that you were going to be the one doing the adapting; that you would be the one in charge. Knowing that it was you, I was able to rest easy, confident that you would do the books justice and keep me, as a loyal visitor to Bon Temps, happy with the way you adapted all of the characters.

Right off the bat, I saw similarities and huge differences, but I was willing to take the ride with you and see where your fertile imagination would lead this viewer.

Never in a million years would I have believed that you would make a heinous mistake with my favorite character from the books - Eric Northman. Eric of all people! When we were first introduced to him on the show the first thing out of my mouth was 'what the fuck is up with his hair?' The second thing was 'what the fuck is up with his voice?' I don't remember much after that, except for the part where they hurried out of Fangtasia on some sort of silent hovercraft surfboard??? Think about that, you'll get what I'm saying.

Let's tackle the voice thing first as it is the lesser of the two evils, IMHO. When you read books, you form certain impressions of the characters in your mind, based off of their descriptions by the author. If there is one thing that Charlaine Harris is phenomenally talented at it is her detailed descriptions of her characters. So from reading her descriptions of Eric, I was expecting to see a Viking but dressed in today's clothing - predominantly jeans and T-Shirt (with the occasional black leather thrown in). I figured, how hard was that description to fuck up. Apparently it was very easy to fuck up because damn, you put the most vile wig/hair extensions on a sexy ass Swede with a near David Beckham proportion Kermit the Frog voice. Sweet Baby Jesus, it was like sensory overload for me.

So,the hair. Please fix this. Eric is supposed to be Viking. That means long (at least brushing the shoulder length), lustrous, beautiful, golden tresses. Not a weave that looks like it was worn by a ho on the stroll! Those tacky assed extensions are not gonna cut it sir.

As the series progressed, I could see that there were attempts to fix the hair situation, culminating in the tongue-in-cheek admission by a foil wearing Eric that Pam was giving him highlights. We all yelled Huzzah that you heard and were acting based on all of our rants on the HBO TB message boards!

So, I liked (not loved) the newer shorter slicked back do and was willing to give you a pass on not adhering to canon Eric. I mean FFS, you didn't kill off my fave Lafayette, so who the fuck was I to complain about unpretty hair?

So, I lay content until I saw promos for season 3 and Eric's hair was a very dark blond??? What.The.Fuck? Handle this immediately, the Viking MUST BE GOLDEN BLOND!

This is the Samson Hair Effect at work: the more you fuck with Eric's hair, the more turned off you are going to make your viewers. You do not want us picketing HBO demanding better Hair Quality for Bon Temps' sexy Viking Vampire Sheriff, do you? Seriously though, Eric's strength lies in his hair. Fuck with it and you emasculate him and kill the sexy.

So now let's talk about the voice. When I first heard him speak, I got the David Beckham flashback - you look at the pretty, lick your lips and then he opens his mouth and speaks and totes ruins the fantasy. Then I notice that Eric's voice grew on me and soon it became acceptable. Plus, I realized that during season 2 when he appeared very comfortable in his role as Eric, his vocal register, speech patterns and body language all mellowed out and all was well with my dear Sheriff.

On a final note, please, no more track suits or wife-beaters for Eric. There's something about the proportion of Alex's upper body to his lower half that makes him look slightly...how can I put this diplomatically...'oafish' when he is wearing a wife-beater. Also, no self respecting Viking, no matter how old, would ever wear a fucking track-suit!

I cannot wait to see what you have in store for us for season 3! Let me also add that I am glad that both Eggs and Maryanne are dead; those character story-lines were drawn out waaay to long and we actually cheered when they both met their fates.

I have a few requests for season 3:

More Pam: she's a snarky bitch and EVERYONE loves a snarky bitch!
More Lafayette: EVERYONE could use a little more Lafayette in their lives!
At least one appearance by Gran: Lois Smith is a phenomenal actress; I think she deserves a dream sequence.
More Andy Bellefleur
More Terry Bellefleur
Less Beel and Shuky: Sorry, I meant Bill and Sookie, but it is truly a fucking travesty the way they say each other's names.Cringe.Fucking.Worthy.Pronunciation. Blurgh.

and Finally...MORE ERIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let the Eric/Sookie sparks ignite.

Damn, is it June13th yet?

Ta.

Dazz